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Let me start of by saying that this poem, while not the greatest definitely has so much potential. The main problem in here is focus. You're focusing on a lot of abstract ideas, so it would help if you narrow it down to a specific image and then exploring all the ideas associated with that image. For instance, instead of exploring al the ideas of life, adventure, and love, just pick one and explore in detail one. While I don't think the scenario of being stuck to a frozen bar may be necessarily original, this is where you can make it original. Expand that image. Describe what makes it oppressive and let the atmosphere convey this expression.

I do like the last line however because of how simple is is, but solid statement it is. I think you could use that to your advantage. Describe how bad the world is and try to imply that she is trying to ignore it. Overall, though as a first try, there's just this certain feel to it that (hm.... i don't know how to say it, but its good :) )
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Writer
All your comments are very helpful. Being my first poem, and also being a prose writer, I got a little lost in some of my ideas. As I was writing, I knew some of the parts were awkward, but being out of my zone, I didn't know what was what. This should help me a lot!
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Glad I could help. If there is anything else, just tell me :)
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