If you wanted to be picky about the poem, and not the content as a whole, I would start by just omitting the children from ' a father of three children' It is also slightly confusing when he asks you 'to throw your life' away, as it is unknown from what. Nonetheless, the use of 'd' is a very unique concept, a sign of respect and coming to age, and avoiding the grand at the end (also false syllable of granted) is well done. I think it might be risky, but explain why he omits the 'd' . Again, I'm being incredibly picky, and I'm here only as a suggestion. I'm not sure whether this is the feedback you are looking for, but it is a good concept.