The Child stares to morning mist, and smells the sewer dew To blooming roses of trash. I asked him: "Have you seen the wonders of meadows now few? Where the prairie lies dead; the starlights now dim?" Eyes sore, he seems concerned only upon cars; Those honking birds over a pavement black. I cried, 'Do you not hate the trains afar? Bellowing on fields and scything hooves in sacks?
Still staring, he sighs, "I don't hate. But I love In the dawn of his new Creation. In fear, Cities shrill with hope to call back the doves That flew away from wild. Hate has sickened her As he atones, Man and then Child will serve: Grooming steel flowers like an ass stripped of his fur.
This has a lot of potential, but there are several technical errors holding it back as well as inconsistent writing throughout.
First off, I like that you have capitalized "Child." It gives the word a sense of importance similar to when Him is capitalized for God. It's not only importance in a general sense, but that the person being spoken to has importance to the narrator of the poem, and it quickly establishes their relationship.
I'm going to dive into this line by line because I want to point out all of the misspelled words, grammar and punctuation errors I saw.
The Child stares to morning mist, smells sewer dew
"to" needs "the" or "a" after it. Alternatively, you could use "into" or "towards." The comma in this sentence isn't the exact punctuation you would use here; a semicolon would be more appropriate or simply replace it with "and."
To blooming roses of thrash. I asked him:
I'm not sure what you meant here with your usage of "thrash." Based on the previous line, I believe you meant "trash." Also, the previous line does not grammatically make sense with this one. If you were trying to say he smelled a range of different putrid scents, then you would need to reword these enjambed lines almost entirely. A simple solution might be to change "smells" into "smelling" and "to" (from the 2nd line) into "from."
Now for the 2nd part of the line. You've changed tenses! You do this throughout and it really does not help the poem at all. If you were to keep with present tense, the last part of line 2 would be "I ask him:".
Have you seen wonders of countryside now few;
Simply put, I think you meant to write " 'Have you seen the wonders of a countryside now few" The semicolon is unneeded. Start your quotes here since the character is talking, like you have done throughout the poem.
Where the prairie lies dead, the starlight now dim?
Comma splice in the middle of the line. This would be where your semicolon goes. You should also end quote here. '
But he seems concerned only upon cars:
I would take out the word "But" here. It doesn't add anything and it even misled me to thinking that the next few lines down was the Child talking. The colon should be a period.
Honking birds and bees in combs that gone black.
I have no idea what you mean with the word "comb." Catacombs? Honeycombs? This is the most confusing line of the entire poem. The last part of the line also makes it fragmented, it should be "go in black combs."
I cried, 'Do you hate not the trains afar?
This is a big no-no. Nowadays reversed thoughts are not used in most circumstances because when they are not reversed they are more easily accessible to the reader. It will take me four times longer to figure out what "Do you hate not" means over "Do you like". The question mark is unnecessary as your question continues in the next line.
Tempered on fields with tracks and put hooves in sacks?
I like this line, but it is way too long compared to the rest of the poem. I would recommend taking out "and put hooves in sacks?"
Still staring, he sighs, 'I don't hate. But I love
This line really needs one thing. A subject for the Child's first sentence, otherwise we are not clear on what he hates.
The smoggy sun, passionate gossip. Of deers:
The passionate gossip of what? Possible comma splice. I understand that "Of deers" rhymes one of your lines but it is very awkward when enjambed on the end like that. I'd look into rewording it.
Cities that shrill with hope to call back doves
The word "shrill" is usually associated with words like "shriek" and "scream." If you are making a shrill noise, it's not for a good reason is what I'm trying to say.
That flied away from wild. Hate has sickened her
"flied" should be "flew." After the word "from" should be the word "the."
I don't have problems with the last two lines other than I'm not sure when or if the Child stops talking.
REALLY bad for being
AWOL from dA, the
partially for my
again, but this time
for real ;n; In any
case, I hope this
suffice for my
leave.. :points: 300
wandering in the
a beautiful letter
written by Sergio
Larrain in 1982 to
his nephew, who had
Larrain where to
begin to become a
and foremost, you
have to have a
camera that fits you
well, one th...
Little thing called
Talent"My name is
Marc, my emotional
life is sensitive
and my purse is
empty, but they say
I have talent."Marc
talent means the
skill that someone
has quite naturally
to do something that
is hard, a high
degree of ability
that a person was
born with. It's
^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More